if need be
in dire need of
need something like a hole in the head
need your head examined
that's all I need
in dire need of
need something like a hole in the head
need your head examined
that's all I need
Donald Lively was sitting in the living room of his flat, absentmindedly watching The Third Man on DVD when he heard a creak on the floorboards outside his front door.
Donald Lively muted the sound on his 48-inch plasma-screen TV and cocked his head, listening for a repeat of the sound.
Nothing.
'I must be hearing things,' he muttered to himself.
He sat back in his leather armchair, relaxed and put the sound back on. Donald Lively was content again. Donald Lively liked being content. It was a good feeling.
The next moment, the front door burst off its hinges and five men in orange boots, body armour and robes, wearing two-way radios and helmets and touting machine guns came hurtling into the room.
'Freeze!' shouted one of them. Donald Lively froze.
But not for long. 'Who are you?' he asked in astonishment.
'Karma Police. You're under arrest.'
'Karma Police?' snorted Donald Lively. 'There's no such thing -!'
'Au contraire, Mr Lively,' said a fat bald man in an orange robe and sandals as he stepped into the room. 'If we did not exist, then you would be imagining things and you would be the one Donald Lively nodded his assent to this reasoning. 'So why are you here, then?' he asked.
'Scan him,' ordered the fat bald man.
'And who are you?' asked Donald Lively.
'Allow me to introduce myself,' said the bald man, perching himself on the edge of Donald Lively's chair. 'I'm Detective Soodba.'
While he spoke, one of the Karma Police took out a small crystal with a digital readout on it. He passed the crystal over Donald Lively's head a couple of times.
'He's negative, Detective Soodba, sir.'
'How much?'
'Minus 17, sir.'
'Is that bad?' asked Donald Lively.
Detective Soodba picked up a ladybird crawling down his leg and placed it on a shelf. 'O yes, Mr Lively. Minus 21 is an irredeemable soul. I presume you don't want one of those?'
'An irredeemable soul?' sniggered Donald Lively. 'Ha!! What with the mortgage, missing promotion at work, and the five unpaid parking tickets I have, an irredeemable soul really would be too much.' Donald Lively looked at the men surrounding him. 'You're joking, right?'
Detective Soodba rubbed his mouth with his hand. 'Do I look like a comedian, Mister Lively?' He stared impassively at Donald. 'You're a bad karma virus. Mr Lively. A walking disease of the soul. Your bad breath, your inappropriate comments, your selfish behaviour, your thoughtlessness, your bad parking, your treatment of animals, the way you never cover your mouth when you sneeze....' Detective Soodba stopped. 'It's a very long list.'
'So?' said Donald Lively. 'I'm hardly a mass murderer.'
'Au contraire, Mr Lively,' said Detective Soodba very calmly. 'That's exactly what you are. You spread bad karma like a marmalade addict spreads his toast: thickly. You kill the souls of thousands with your negative attitude.'
'Really?' asked Donald Lively, secretly impressed with his own powers.
'Yes. I can hardly bear to be in the same room as you. You must change.'
'Must?'
'Yes. We will use force, but we would rather not.'
'Of course, of course,' muttered Donald Lively, without a hint of any understanding. 'And I'd rather not change at all thank you very much. Look, I'm a very busy man, I've got a busy week at work, a big presentation on Wednesday - I really don't have time for this.'
Detective Soodba interrupted. 'You have time for nothing else, Mr Lively. You're going to Tantric Jail.'
'Tantric Jail?'
'Yes, you will be imprisoned inside your own consciousness.'
'Imprisoned inside my own consciousness? But I have a presentation to prepare! Honestly, I 'Interesting,' remarked Detective Soodba. 'As I understand it, that's very much what it feels like....'
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